E M O T I O N A L L Y F O C U S E D T H E R A P Y
for C O U P L E S
Does It Feel Like Nothing Is Ever Good Enough In Your Relationship?Do you wonder what you can do to make your relationship better? Are you struggling to trust your partner, communicate effectively or enjoy each others' company? You may feel like you can’t get anything right as your disagreements regularly end in shouting. Or maybe you or your partner shut down during arguments, seeking relief in being separate from the other.
Although you can’t stand the tension – or the distance – between you, you still love your partner. Do you feel trapped or terrified that nothing will get better? Do you often wonder what happened to your intimate connection, as you were once so great together? Have you begun to feel like you may never be good enough? The Negative Cycle
Poor communication can turn small disagreements into major arguments, create sexual problems, or, at worst, lead to infidelity. You may wake up feeling anxious about your relationship or distant from your partner. You might criticize him or her for not paying enough attention to you. He or she then feels inadequate as nothing seems to be right.
If this doesn’t go well he or she may feel like giving up and avoid the confrontation entirely. You then may then feel dismissed and unimportant, protesting to your partner to pay more attention to you, and the cycle goes on.
Over time, you may begin to wonder if you still really know your partner and if he or she really understands and loves you. |
I am a Certified EFT Therapist – the highest level of competence granted by the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
In true love, you find freedom
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Almost All Couples Face Challenges in Their Relationship
Most couples face communication problems at some point in their relationship. When a couple marries they don’t always anticipate the stresses of everyday life and how they might tax their relationship. Many couples try to connect, but fall into a pattern of misinterpreting meanings and cues the other is giving. In many cases, poor communication keeps couples from having honest conversations about likes, wants, dislikes and needs, which can impact sex and intimacy and even lead to infidelity.
In cases of infidelity, stepping outside the marriage can be seen as a symptom of major disconnection in a relationship. Countless couples struggle with issues concerning poor communication, sexual problems and infidelity. But only a handful of these couples seek the help of a professional, experienced couples therapist. Thankfully, however, with help, you can learn to understand both your partner and yourself.
In cases of infidelity, stepping outside the marriage can be seen as a symptom of major disconnection in a relationship. Countless couples struggle with issues concerning poor communication, sexual problems and infidelity. But only a handful of these couples seek the help of a professional, experienced couples therapist. Thankfully, however, with help, you can learn to understand both your partner and yourself.
Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help You Build a Strong, Lasting Bond
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) helps partners find their own words to clearly communicate with each other. Couples unwittingly get lost in “negative cycles” in times of distress. During stress-filled moments, behaviors take on new meaning. Yelling becomes, “I need your attention.” Shutting down becomes, “I don’t want to argue, it’s too upsetting.”
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In our work together, I track both you and your partner’s interactions and help you reframe them in terms of this cycle. When you can hear and accept the true meaning behind these negative interactions, you can reframe your experience with each other and begin establishing a secure connection.
In our sessions, I help you learn to slow down your critical and defensive behaviors so you can learn what they mean and how they are impacting your relationship. Couples argue because they are important to each other. They avoid confrontation because they are afraid they will damage the relationship further. Your partner is not the enemy and, together, we can conquer the negative cycle that is creating distance between you.
For the first one or two sessions, I will meet with both of you together. Together we will determine the level of bonding and distress in your relationship and I will present the Emotionally Focused Therapy model. The “patient” in emotionally focused therapy is the relationship itself. There is no “bad guy” – the enemy is just the cycle of negative interaction. From here, I see each of you individually for one session to gather family and developmental history and any past or current traumas, medical issues or substance abuse issues. Your experience growing up – from coping styles and self-esteem to your connection with your parents and siblings – influences how you behave in your adult relationships.
In our sessions, I help you learn to slow down your critical and defensive behaviors so you can learn what they mean and how they are impacting your relationship. Couples argue because they are important to each other. They avoid confrontation because they are afraid they will damage the relationship further. Your partner is not the enemy and, together, we can conquer the negative cycle that is creating distance between you.
For the first one or two sessions, I will meet with both of you together. Together we will determine the level of bonding and distress in your relationship and I will present the Emotionally Focused Therapy model. The “patient” in emotionally focused therapy is the relationship itself. There is no “bad guy” – the enemy is just the cycle of negative interaction. From here, I see each of you individually for one session to gather family and developmental history and any past or current traumas, medical issues or substance abuse issues. Your experience growing up – from coping styles and self-esteem to your connection with your parents and siblings – influences how you behave in your adult relationships.
Sexual Problems - Dysfunction and Trauma
If you’re struggling with any sexual problems, we will meet individually to gather sexual history and allow you to disclose any particular issues you would like to work on. If either partner has untreated medical conditions or a history of trauma that has not been effectively treated through individual counseling, I will refer you to another professional or physician so you can receive the individual support you might need. In some cases, the symptoms of sexual trauma can be addressed fully within the couples therapy.
I will also take time to help you evaluate your expectations of your future sex life. It could be that the sexual problems in your relationship are a matter of communication rather than physiological functioning.
For more information on my work with sexual trauma, please click here.
I will also take time to help you evaluate your expectations of your future sex life. It could be that the sexual problems in your relationship are a matter of communication rather than physiological functioning.
For more information on my work with sexual trauma, please click here.
Healing from Affairs
When there is infidelity in your relationship it can feel impossible to trust your partner again. But, if you are both willing, it can be an opportunity to turn your relationship around. In individual sessions I gather history and the status of the affair. There are distinct steps that can help your relationship heal from infidelity, but they won’t work if the affair, and all contact with the “other,” has not been dissolved.
Transparency is key, and although it takes time to reestablish trust, with help and a willingness to work through the infidelity, you can begin to trust each other again. Many couples feel some relief after just a few sessions. You may be pleasantly surprised at just how wonderful it is to be heard and understood. With the help of a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can begin healing your relationship.
Transparency is key, and although it takes time to reestablish trust, with help and a willingness to work through the infidelity, you can begin to trust each other again. Many couples feel some relief after just a few sessions. You may be pleasantly surprised at just how wonderful it is to be heard and understood. With the help of a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can begin healing your relationship.
Talking about our problems at home hasn’t helped. How is talking to a stranger about private issues going to help us?
As a neutral observer trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, I will listen for cues, connections and meaning behind your interactions in ways that you may not be aware of. Most often, arguing and yelling is a actually a cry for connection. I will not judge you and everything you share here is confidential.
I’m already blamed for everything bad in the relationship.
What if counseling makes things even worse?
This is a valid fear, but a relationship is comprised of two people. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango,” or, as I put it, the issues in any relationship are co-created. I never point my finger or accuse one partner of bearing the entire weight of the relationship. However, egregious and abusive behavior will be called out. While there can be empathy for the underlying feelings that cause such behavior, all relationships must feel safe and secure.
I’m not sure I can ever trust my partner again…
I acknowledge how difficult this can be and I am dedicated to helping you through this challenging journey. If you are considering coming in to my office after an affair has been discovered, there is something strong in your relationship’s foundation. It is possible to recover from an affair, but your relationship will not go back to the way it was, and each partner will have to work toward the recovery.
You Can Heal Your Relationship
If you are ready to get started on your path to healing, or if you have additional questions about Emotionally Focused Therapy, I invite you to call my office at 917-612-0595 for a free 15-minute consultation.